Buttoned & Employed: Day 5

Dear Oprah,

Today I temporarily leave my employment behind and venture west for some fun in the sun and uncomfortable time with my family. 

I’ve always been a nervous traveler. My mom used to drug me with Dramamine to take the edge off, but I’d usually throw it up in the airport toilet before the plastic seat cover could even rotate.  I’ve never been worried about crashing and burning to a fiery death with only a smelly Indian man on my side. I’m more anxious about little things that don’t matter, like 

  • How quickly do I need to calculate the cab driver’s tip before he catches on that I’m terrible at math?
  • Will I have enough time to eat bottomless chips and salsa at Chili’s Too, buy a bag of Chicago Mix from Garret’s Popcorn, AND pick up the Pepto Bismol I forgot to pack at Hudson News?
  •  How often will I have to wake up the man in the aisle seat to go to the bathroom?
  • Is he the man of my dreams? (The answer is yes. He’s watching Mistresses and wearing toe socks.) 

Running low on time because of the mess the inexperienced Asian family left in the security line, I had to bypass Chili’s and Garret’s for a necessary trip to Hudson News. And what do I find behind my beloved Pepto? Hearst Corporation’s cure for the nervous traveler: O Magazine



I’ve got you cradled on my lap for the next four hours and that’s better than all the tortilla chips in the world.  Plus, they’re selling Garrett’s Popcorn on the airplane! God Bless America(n Airlines).

All the free Diet Coke is hitting me hard and fast, O. Put Alyssa Milano on hold, Mighty Toe Young, ‘cause I have got to go NOW.



Destined for greatness, 

Meredith

P.S. I’m writing to you from 30,000 feet. How wild is this wi-fi technology?! 

 

Buttoned & Employed: Day 4

Dear Oprah,

My mom recently found a Mother’s Day card I made for her when I was in the first grade.  



Being the maternal figure that you are to so many, I’d like to take this opportunity to write you a belated Mother’s Day card. The salon is fresh out of magic markers so you’ll have to forgive my lack of creativity.

Number One
My Special Oprah

By Meredith
My Oprah is the most wonderful Oprah in the whole world!
She’s as pretty as Gayle.


She weighs anywhere between 137 and 237 and is 5’7 tall. 


Her favorite food is corn dogs. 


In the good old days when Oprah was little, she used to show her midriff. 


I think Oprah looks funny when she cries. 







I know she is really angry when she struts like this. 


I wish Oprah would write to me everyday. 



I wouldn’t trade Oprah for my own mother.


Happy Belated Mother’s Day, Mom! I mean, Oprah. 

Destined for greatness, 

Meredith

Buttoned & Employed: Day 2

Dear Oprah, 

Can I be honest with you? I’m still not over my ex. 

It’s hitting especially hard today for two reasons:

  1. The salon I work in is located right around the corner from his office building.
  2. He broke up with me a year ago on this exact date.

You’re probably thinking, “You’re crazy, Meredith!” to which my therapist would reply, “Oprah, quit pathologizing Meredith’s completely normal emotions!” or to which I’d reply, “I know, O! And I haven’t even told you that I knowingly moved to an apartment 3 blocks away from him yet!” 

Am I crazy? No. Well, yes, but not for this reason alone. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. I can’t wear my yellow button-up because I wore it on our first date.  I can’t watch New Girl because we watched an episode together once. I can’t eat chicken wings because it reminds me of the time he ate too many and said, “I know I’ve overeaten when I immediately have to poop.” Swoon.

In the time it took me to come to terms with my feelings, I had eaten the equivalent of 4 mangoes that Dominick’s kindly cut for me.  How do you suggest I mend my broken heart? Binge eating tropical fruits isn’t sustainable when I’m making $10 an hour. 

You know what they say: “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” and, "Time heals all wounds",  or as Thefootlover123 so eloquently writes, “Could I please kiss and rub your feet?”



I gotta go floss this mango meat out of my teeth.  Hold onto the love you have, O.

Destined for greatness, 

Meredith

P.S. Have you heard of The Button Down?  It’s a storytelling series Dee and I co-founded. We have an event coming up on Monday, June 10 at Uncharted Books, which just so happens to be Exes-themed.   I hope you can make it. Your support means the world to me. 

P.S.S. Do you think I should invite him?  

Buttoned & Employed: Day 1

Dear Oprah, 

I’m just checking in to see if you’ve had a chance to look over my application for the internship at Harpo Studios.  I’d like to reiterate that I would be a great asset to Oprah’s Next Chapter.  I’d also like to reiterate that my personal well-being is at risk if I don’t hear back from you within the next 72 hours.



I was so distracted by yesterday’s hullabaloo that I neglected to inform you I got the salon receptionist job. Please don’t let that deter you from hiring me. I would give up everything for a chance to work with you. 



Training was easy-peezy. I read celebrity gossip like nobody was watching, brewed tea like I’ve never been hurt, booked appointments like nobody was listening, and played Words With Friends like it’s heaven on earth. 

 And look what I found while tidying up the magazine rack. Why didn’t you tell me you bought a farm?! You grow gurl! 




I feel so safe with your smiling face on my desk. It’s almost as if we’re sweeping rogue hair off the floor together.  But first things first, you’ve got rutabagas to harvest. 

Destined for greatness, 

Meredith

Unbuttoned & Unemployed: A Cover Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah, 

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. I found this on my job search this morning.

 



Consider the following my formal application for the internship position since I guess that’s how we’re doing things these days.  (Are we okay???)

Dear Oprah, 

 I am thrilled to have stumbled upon your posting for the internship at Harpo Studios.  In addition to being your biggest fan, I am an experienced online researcher, travel organizer, and an all-around swell gal.  I am, therefore, the best candidate for this position and I would jump at the opportunity to be a part of Oprah’s Next Chapter. 

As someone who tends to get a nervous stomach ache upon entering a large bookstore or library, I conduct my research exclusively through the internet.  My award-winning master’s thesis on obesity stigma was written only with articles found online, preventing me from ever having to visit the London School of Economic’s library.  Though some would consider this an arduous task, I embraced the challenge and graduated at the top of my class with fine-tuned Google skills.   I have extensive knowledge of other search engines as well.  I am well-versed in Yelp, OpenTable, and Paintball review, all of which were used to ensure only businesses of the utmost quality were featured on Groupon’s site.  So, whether I’m vetting fat jokes, lead paintball poisoning, or your guest’s scandalous affair with a nanny, my research approach is resourceful and comprehensive - two valuable traits any intern of Oprah’s should possess.

I excel at organization, especially in regards to travel, which would relieve you and your guests from all trip-related stresses.  Traveling is my favorite hobby. I know everyone says that, just like everyone on OkCupid says they “like to have fun”, but my love for travel is far beyond theirs.  This is evident in the dozens of email confirmations from Southwest and Ryanair freckled throughout my inbox.   I find the preparation leading up to the trip equally exciting.  My Gmail account is sorted into color-coded folders, one of which is “Travel,” and my Google Drive is chock full of structured itineraries.  I even create local to-do lists with food to eat, coffee to drink, and places to see in each Chicago neighborhood.




While I am proficient in many intern duties, such as getting lunch, making copies, and opening mail, my telephone skills are admittedly not the best.  I interned at the Anne Frank Trust UK where I was instructed to say "Good morning! You’ve reach the Anne Frank Trust.  This is Meredith." Despite it’s simplicity, I fumbled with the receiver and shouted "Good morning! This is Anne Frank."  My phone privileges were immediately revoked.  I firmly believe this internship would provide the perfect opportunity to better my telecommunication.  The two of us could gossip about Stedman’s mustache length over the phone as well.   



I’ve attached my résumé for your review as well as a link to my personal passion project - daily blog entries that I address specifically to you, Oprah.

http://buttondownstories.com/?category=Unbuttoned%20%26%20Unemployed

Please let me know if there is any other information you need at this time, like a writing sample or a macaroni portrait of your face. As always, I look forward to hearing from you!

Destined for greatness, 

Meredith


Unbuttoned & Unemployed: Day 3 v.2

Dear Oprah,​

​I woke up sick this morning so I had to cancel my second interview.   I think this is a sign that I’m never going to work again. I’m fine with that because I still have to catch up on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which is the superior Housewives if you ask me.








I wish you were here, O.  Your maternal presence is all I need to make me feel better. Well, that and 13 Dayquils chased with a can of tomato soup. 



​Destined for greatness,

Meredith